Set Your Feelings Free

On doing the work.

As the haze of the pandemic continues to gradually lift and summer vibes fuel the air, I am noticing a lingering residue of the mixed emotions born of this past year (whether conscious or not) that I feel we could all benefit from investigating, expressing, processing, and releasing. 

Doing the work to consciously engage with the truth of our experiences is important and positively life changing. I am convinced that it is the gateway to an embodied sense of freedom. Most of us are aware of the importance and positive effects of becoming more conscious and authentic individuals and still, we will do everything we can to avoid doing the work. Ever wonder why we tend to be resistant toward expressing our feelings? Curious to know why and how engaging with life more presently and deeply can mitigate unnecessary suffering?

I love talking about emotions. I am aware that this is not the case for everyone. I have always been fascinated by the deeper, under-the-surface content of an individual's experience and the underlying dynamics at play within relationships. I could be called a feelings junkie but I would rather steer away from self-diagnosing and focus on how helpful it can be to work toward greater understanding and awareness of both our emotions and the common roadblocks to working with them authentically.

Feeling our feelings is hard. Most of us would rather focus on the easy, more positive feeling stuff and steer clear of anything negative. Who doesn't want more immediate fun, joy, and ease in their lives? Although it may sound counterintuitive, I have learned through my own work, that turning toward negative or challenging feelings is the way to more sustainable and authentic experiences of all of those things that we want.

Ever hear the saying “What we resist, persists?” When emotions are contained, they become more potent. Emotions are energy. They are meant to move, be processed, and released. We typically experience them as contracting or expanding energy moving through the body. We then label this felt-sense of energy with a feeling and a reaction to that feeling usually follows. Our interpretations of this emotion or energy gives meaning to the experience which is typically the part that we are invested in avoiding. We usually have an old story that colours our current experience. This all occurs in place of taking the time to truly investigate and be present with what is actually going on in real time. 

Our interpretations are mainly based on our past experiences. Understanding how and becoming aware of when our past may be informing our experience of the present is key to breaking through unconscious and potentially harmful patterns.

This work allows us an opportunity to shift how we relate and respond to what is happening around us and within us rather than react.

Reactions are typically a way to deny or resist certain feelings that we feel would be unbearable because at one point in our lives they actually were. As children, we depended on the people who were responsible for us and we learned to stay in connection with them by adopting strategies that worked and avoiding ones that didn’t. For example, if I had a parent who was overly critical of me, I might have believed that something was wrong with me. In my best efforts to keep clear of criticism and of the feelings that come along with that belief about myself, I may have put all of my efforts into doing things perfectly. As a dependent, it is unbearable to feel, and too overwhelming to experience, being out of connection with a parent. I hope that through this example, you can understand why it is so hard to break free from our unconscious commitment to old coping strategies -they were so necessary for us in the past. We split off from a part of ourselves by rejecting and denying it. In the case of the example given above, the part of the child that could just play, be silly, slip up, fall down, and learn to recover safely was left behind. Feeling inadequate was just too painful. The problem with these unconscious commitments is that most of the strategies are now expired, are likely irrelevant to our current context, and usually come with high costs to maintain. 

Our egos are hugely invested in engaging with what we already know, have tried in the past and seemed to have worked for the most part. We get really good at denying feelings that were not welcomed and/or accepted in the past, really good at being fine and adapting to unfulfilling states of being and unfulfilling relationships. So why not stick with it?

Suppressing our emotions usually happens unconsciously out of habit and often recreates experiences of abandonment and betrayal similar to the ones we may have had in the past. Rejecting parts of ourselves also keeps us from experiencing intimacy and depth in the relationship with ourselves and others. We may lack empathy and struggle to connect with other people’s beneath the surface experiences.

Moreover, when we deny ourselves of our authentic experience, we miss the opportunity to learn about ourselves and how we perceive the world which in turn limits our overall capacity to navigate the full experience of life.

And if that’s not enough reasoning for you then just know that it is damn well exhausting to keep your feelings hostage. 

I mean, there are certainly times and places for when and where it is more appropriate and beneficial to keep what we feel inside than it is to express and process our feelings. For example, expressing how we feel with someone who doesn't have the capacity to hear and feel through what we are experiencing can reinforce one or more of the reasons for why we decided to hold everything in in the first place. 

This is where, at first, seeking support and working through our emotions with an experienced guide comes in handy. It is important to feel comfortable and safe when exploring the process of welcoming abandoned parts of ourselves in. It takes careful practice to intentionally and consciously participate in the whole truth of our experiences and it is well worth the effort. 

Here are some of the benefits to look forward to when we put the work in:

-We learn to be more compassionate, kind, and loving toward ourselves and others
-We tap into an abiding, open state of being which is full of wonder and exploration
-We set bound-up energy free and make way for creativity and joy
-We experience a positive shift in how we perceive ourselves, others and the world
-We grow our capacity to hold and experience more
-We feel better equipped to be with life’s roller coaster of events 

Evolving as humans keeps us feeling alive and mitigates feelings of stuckness, stagnation, and stress. Learning and growing is innate to us human beings, it’s what we are designed to do as it keeps us connected and social. There is nothing I would rather learn and understand more deeply than the human experience. We have the biggest impact on the world and so, I believe that putting conscious and intentional efforts toward elevating our very existence is key.

The ProcessLisa MessinaThe ProcessComment